TIGERS DON'T CRY - Chapter Nine
In the harsh environment of a British pub kitchen, young Nate will have to come to terms with his growing attraction for one of his male colleagues.
Picture by Michael Descendre
TRIGGER WARNING - Strong and sexual language. Explicit sexual content.
For those curious to read from the start:
‘I’m going to sue his ass!’ Louis growled. He grasped his mug like it was a dangerous weapon. Had Cam been there, I was sure he would have thrown the hot tea in his face.
‘It was an accident!’ I said for the millionth time. I sprawled flat on the sofa, this close to dozing off, and pointed the remote at the telly as I flicked through the channels. ‘Anyway, I got a week off out of it.’
‘But eighty quid! What shitty compensation is that?’
‘C’est la vie.’ I put the remote down when I saw the narrow-eyed expression of Clint Eastwood on the screen. It was as if he was thinking, “The world is perplexing,” though he stoically accepted the fact like I did.
‘Right!’ Louis whapped his cup on the table and clutched his phone. ‘I’m going to research for you. You need a new fucking job!’
I exhaled heavily. I would have liked it if, instead of scouring the net for a new position in my stead, my brother could have looked up for me, “How to explain the hollow glumness weighing on my chest.”
‘I want to date you.’ Ethan’s words were imprinted in my mind and replayed, over and over.
What would it be like to date a guy? I had the feeling that Ethan would be the kind of dude who’d open every door for me, get me chocolate for Valentine’s day and buy me presents all the time. He’d hand me a shining ring, a red rose and a plushy, as if I was a bloody gi—
I squished my nose on the cushion under my head. Dattoy had been my most reliable confidant, lately – he was a wise man from Southern California – and he’d explained that “though unconsciously and without malice,” I bore a good lot of prejudice.
‘I’m sorry to say this, Nate,’ he’d said in a message, ‘but it feels as if you think that bottoming equals to “being the woman” – something like that? I want to stress that bottoming is just a position preference. It has nothing to do with being girly. That’s the point about a homosexual relationship between two men, you know? There are no girls involved! Femininity and bottoming are two separate things. Plus, bottoms really are the ones with the decisional power in the bedroom, even the submissive ones .’
The fact surprised me, ‘Are they?’
‘Yes!’ He’d sent a smiling emoji. ‘Bottoming requires a lot of preparation. From sorting out your diet to douching, keeping your hole stretched and healthy… Tops don’t have to go through all that trouble and, for this reason, bottoms have always the last say.’
He’d sent me a link that led to an article that expanded widely on the topic. Something in the text attracted my attention.
‘What’s a power bottom?’
‘Exactly what it sounds like. A dominant bottom.’
‘Like a dominatrix but as a guy?’
‘They’re looking for staff in Tesco, just round the corner.’ Louis brought my attention out of the mind-blowing conversation I was having with Dattoy.
‘What’s the position?’
Louis scratched his head, ‘Twelve and a half.’
‘So why are you even telling me about this? It’s fuckall money! I’m supposed to halve the rent and bills with you!’
‘I can manage to support you for a while.’
‘I’m not going to be maintained! God! Why does everyone treat me like a fucking kid? I am so tired of this! Seriously, what am I doing exactly that makes people think I cannot look after myself?’
Louis’ expression crumpled with hurt and I realised I'd just had a go at him for no reason whatsoever. ‘Oh shit, Louis I’m so sorry. Fuck, I’m such a dick!’
‘You’re not,’ he said softly. ‘But you are my little brother. Of course I’d want to look after you. I mean, we can look after each other.’
I sighed, ‘Sure. Let me look after you too, then. I’ll order some Chinese food for dinner and it’s going to be on me, alright? No protests.’
‘I was going to make some couscous…’
‘No cooking today. Sweet and sour pork, that’s what I’m voting for.’ I went over to him and opened my arms, ‘Hug?’
Louis’ eyes glimmered. He smiled widely, got off his chair and quashed me against his chest. ‘Ahh! You’re so lovable! How can you think even for one moment that you’re a dick? You’re unhateable!’
I groaned with my face planted between his pecs. ‘It’s because I’m short, isn’t it? I snap at people all the time but they think, “Oh well, he’s tiny. What else can he do other than snap?”’ Just imagining that scenario made me so angry that I could barely contain myself from snarling at the world, ‘Fuck yooou!’
Louis laughed, ‘No, it’s because no matter what you do, you throw yourself into it completely and never complain. You always give your best and you’re strong, Nate. The strongest person I know.’
This description of me sounded somewhat familiar. ‘You mean it?’
Louis scruffed my hair and I crowed with annoyance. ‘Yes Nate,’ he said laughing. ‘I do mean it.’
Night came gently. It was nice to think I didn’t have to get up early to go to work. I snuggled under the blankets and let my thoughts swim by. My mind summoned the familiar image of Ethan’s face and the feel of his kisses, his hands on me, the smoothness of his lightly muscled body, his hard cock. My dick swelled and tingled. I let my hand wander down my pyjama bottoms and slowly, languidly, I touched myself.
I took my time – I wanted to savour the build-up towards orgasm. It was as if I was training my mind and body to embrace all the things I wanted but was still scared to get. I was going to play until I wouldn't be afraid anymore. That power bottom thing seemed like it’d suit me, although I wasn’t really sure what it was all about.
I imagined having sex with Ethan and taking charge. I would ride him and say, ‘You’re not allowed to cum until I say so.’
The idea tickled me in a good way. Even as I went on with the slack wank I soon felt like something was missing. Knowing what it was got me all breathless and shaky. Also hot and hopelessly turned on. I couldn’t really use my left hand to touch my hole, though – it was officially KOed for a while.
I thought quickly – did I have something that could do the job? Safe enough to be put in there? But no, I didn’t have anything.
A quick online search told me that inserting something in the anus that wasn’t supposed to be there was dangerous and I stumbled upon the story of a guy who ended up with a lemon stuck up his butt.
‘Oh, God.’ I shuddered just thinking about it. ‘Yeah… maybe not.’
And so that’s how I ended up scrolling down a list of starter dildoes on a reputable website that was heartily recommended by none other than Dattoy and a million others from the gay community on Reddit. I’d become a bit of a celeb! Many guys were waiting for my updates about Ethan – code name, “Tiger Tattoo” AKA, “TT.”
Our last conversation came to mind and I sulked, though I couldn’t pinpoint which one of the things he’d said made me feel crap the most. Was it that he’d showered me with compliments and told me he liked me, that he wanted to date me, only to add that he’d be happy to introduce me to his gay horny friends if all I wanted to do was fuck?
Although, admittedly, that’s the impression I must have given. It was true that I wanted to mess around but not just with anybody. I wanted to mess around with him. I could have sent a text there and then, saying that I was okay with dating him… but I needed time to think things over. Whatever I decided to do, I wanted to be sure.
I selected an electric-blue dildo the guys said was easy to use and had a good price, with three different vibration settings – not that I needed that commodity, did I? It was designed to stimulate the prostate, inside and out. In addition, I ordered some water-based lube to go with my silicone toy – also a product brought to attention by my internet friends.
Plopped it all in my basket and bought it. Done. Fuck me! I actually got a dildo!
The products were both a one day-delivery and I expected to receive them around lunchtime the next day. I jerked off in a classic fashion and struggled to fall asleep as I was feeling giddy and oddly nervous.
In the morning, I woke up with a sweet, mouth-watering smell teasing my nostrils. I walked inside the kitchen, still half asleep, and squinted at the pile of hot food.
I swallowed a load of saliva and mumbled, ‘Pancakes with bacon?’
Louis was sitting by the table, sipping his coffee. He smiled, ‘Don’t like?’
I sat down in front of him and seized the feast. Pretty sure I had stars in my eyes. The pancakes were buttery and I chucked a load of golden syrup over them, chewing on huge bites with a bit of crispy bacon in the middle.
‘This is dope,’ I told my brother with my mouth full. He grinned, looking at me in a way that I could only describe as mushy.
‘So, I need to ask you something,’ I said seriously.
Louis flapped an encouraging hand, ‘Go ahead.’
‘So, like… do I… am I… cute…? Like, you look at me and think, “Oh, adorable!”’
My brother’s lips did a thing, like a little dance, ‘Uhh… well. Yes, I suppose.’
I groaned and dropped my fork, ‘Fucking shit but whyyy?’
He laughed, ‘You just are. Why, what’s wrong with that? If you went out more I’m sure you’d get all the girls, you know?’
I flinched at that statement.
‘That’s a good point!’ Louis beamed. ‘You’re off now so you have no excuses! Go for a proper night out!’
‘With what friends?’ I asked the ceiling. Why not go out with Ethan? My cunt brain submitted for consideration.
‘Yeah, right. Last time I checked on him he was busy doing a raid in War of Warcraft. Four days straight. He’s lost. Forever, like.’
‘I can go out with you Saturday night.’
‘What about your girlfriend? Don’t you want to go see her?’ I scarfed another half-a-pancake.
Louis gaped, ‘How do you know I have a girlfriend?’
I pretended to really think about it, tapping my chin and humming, ‘Your face is all aww all the time? Like you’re constantly orgasming?’
‘Oh, shut up!’ He laughed, though he looked a little disturbed.
‘Nah, that’s fine. I’ll figure something out – keep myself busy, like,’ I said vaguely.
‘What are your plans for today?’ Louis asked as he opened the front door to leave for work.
‘I’m waiting for a package.’
Bro went off to sell carpets and live with glory whereas I did what I’d set out to do: I waited for the fucking package. At around one, the postman knocked and I snatched the box from his hands, ‘Cheers mate.’
Smooth. No suspicious business here.
I slumped on the sofa and ripped the carton to reveal what was inside. The dildo was in a box with a shit-load of writing. To summarize, I had to stick the right bit up my arse.
I got the toy out of its packaging and studied it. It was something out of an Alien movie, L shaped and somewhat bumpy. One end was the one to go “down the tunnel” and the other was what, a handle? I found where the batteries went and played a bit with the vibration settings. The strongest function actually freaked me out and I settled to start with the gentlest option.
‘This is it,’ I told myself and exhaled, ‘Deal or no deal.’ Since I spent one-hundred-twenty quid to get these things, dipping heavily into my savings, I guessed it was a deal after all.
The lube looked harmless. It was a little bottle with a clear, gelatinous liquid that didn’t taste or smell of anything. “Bliss Glide” was the name printed on the label, which was quite promising.
I had a shower to calm the nerves, keeping my left hand away from the water and doing everything with my right. I cleaned my butt with care – I wanted to feel sexy and smell good for my own enjoyment. And because I was practising in case I ended up doing some humpy stuff – with someone we shall not name – and exploring my possibilities. Naked, I went to my bedroom, carrying the lube and the anal vibrator. I locked the door even though there wasn’t a real need for it.
For some reason, bringing my plan forth under the duvet made me feel less like I was doing something mortifying. At least now I was aware that, really, there was nothing to be ashamed of. What I was doing was totally normal and, call me daft, but thinking of myself as a “power bottom” made me feel better about it all. Was I definitely one? Not a clue, but no matter what, like Dattoy had said, I was in control – it was me who had the last say.
Something I did – another pearl of wisdom from Dattoy – was to slide a condom on the dildo to “facilitate entrance.”
‘Jesus fucking Christ,’ I muttered as I squirted a dollop of lube on my right hand. With the left, I could at least do things like holding little bottles. Anyhow, I lay on my left side and began to spread the product on my hole. I closed my eyes and pictured Ethan doing it. My dick swelled up at the flurry of recent memories. I thought of the way he’d sucked my cock deep into his mouth and, for a while, I went back to dedicate some time to my boner, stroking its stiff length. I was achingly hard and sensitive – during the time leading to this moment I’d gotten restless and now I could very well explode if I brushed myself one time too many, so I left my pulsing dick alone and went back to my twitching hole. How odd.
Soon after I’d started touching myself there, whenever I got hard I often had this tingling sensation inside and around my opening, as if my nerves were begging to be stimulated now that my body knew what pleasure could come from it. I got a little bit more lube and inserted a finger in. It was good. Damn, it was. I wanted more. Ethan’s fingers.
I thrust deeper, faster and my body temperature rose in less than a moment. It felt like I was on fire. Panting, I carried on pressing the good spots though I wasn't even close to where I wanted to be.
I took hold of the dildo. It was too hot to keep the covers over me so I pushed the duvet away and, too aroused to care about being so shameless, lifted my legs and shoved a pillow under my lower back. Slowly, I pushed the tip of the dildo against my hole. What I met was firm resistance.
Not gonna lie – my choice had landed on this one dildo not only because it was highly recommended but also because, well… the size was somewhat similar to what Ethan was packing. God, I was fucking lame! But then again, it also looked doable. Something I could handle.
I rubbed the tip of the toy against my twitching ring of muscle and it felt good but stretching myself further, putting it all in, was a little scary. Reading stuff online had been useful. Articles and very decent websites explained how to do this properly. Breathing was key, so I made an effort to relax. I took a short break to put on some soothing music – sensual notes and the deep voice of a blues singer caressed my senses.
I went back in with my fingers – two of them. My hand was more familiar than my brand-new dildo.
I fucked myself for a while and my brain plunged into a weird fog of “Seriously, what?” and, “Oh fuck, that’s good!” but my hand got tired after a short time and my sphincter – turns out that’s what the butt muscle was called – was clenching to a shocking degree. It had a strong clench that I didn’t expect and to have that around a cock… how was that even possible?
I imagined a guy’s erection would have to be pretty fucking hard to manage through it and Ethan, from what I could tell, didn’t have a problem on that front. His stiff cock deep inside my arse. I pictured it. Fuck, that was…
‘That’s hot,’ I muttered and patted the mattress in search of the dildo again. There it was. I pointed it to my hole and threw my head back – I was softer now, my tension gone. Want was all that was left.
I pressed more forcefully and the tip went in. The thickness of the toy, opening me inch by inch, brought to life something huge and amazing which had been dormant all this time. Instinctively, I’d known for a while I could feel this – I had wanted it since I watched others doing it on the screen. Ethan had shown me how far I could go but now it was me doing it to myself. It was different.
It hurt in a strange way – like it burned a lot. My butt clenched around the dildo as if to push it away but without managing it. The fact that it couldn’t get rid of the foreign body, that it was forced to take it because the toy was thick and because I was pushing, ramming it deep – that was what made me feel incredible. The battle, the contrast between the hardness of the dildo and my puckering muscles, like a mouth stuffed with a dripping dick and being fucked forcefully – bound to take it, over and over. An imposed surrender.
I took a few moments to get used to the feeling. Carefully, I used my left hand to keep the dildo in me and slowly stroked myself with the other.
‘Alright,’ I huffed out. The dildo was pressing in a place that set me alight like a match and, exactly like it, I feared I’d be quickly consumed by the flames if I wasn’t careful. And I needed to pee. I knew this could happen because the toy would push against my prostate as well as my bladder, so I ignored the urge and concentrated on the feeling of fullness, rocking my hips carefully.
‘Oh fuck,’ I muttered as pleasure enraptured me. I pressed the vibration button and I gasped. Sensation zapped in, wave after wave like a singeing paradise. There was more of me I didn’t know existed, like a multitude of senses the body had never bothered to make use of – a secret basement full of cool stuff no one had ever told me about.
It was so good and yet my dick slackened – not sure I cared since I’d become it. The butt. All my fears, my ego, my thoughts, all were quickly swept away by the big thing happening down there.
I shifted and writhed, moaned and gasped and I wasn’t really sure where I was going. I imagined Ethan on top of me, bucking between my legs, staring into my eyes in that sweet way he did, kissing me softly as I yielded. I disappeared but not in a bad way – no. I freed myself of the things weighing on my shoulders. What did it all matter? I liked a guy and so what? I was short, weak and unremarkable, nothing special but so fucking what? I wasn’t any of that now. I was a bird. Powerful. I. Owned. me.
I’d grab his hair and say, ‘Fuck me!’ He’d do it because I wanted it, he’d be there with me.
My dick had stiffened back to form and I wanked with a fervent hand, lifting my hips and living it. Just living it.
When I came it was so much. Not the cum. That was a regular amount – I’d being jerking off far too often to be that loaded. Instead, it was a ferocious orgasm that gripped me from within, drawing keening moans out of me as it slammed into my core and deep inside my head.
When it was all over, my abdomen a constellation of small lakes of jizz, I found myself fluttering my lids open and attempting to formulate a thought. Not one stuck. Instead, I returned into the watery fields of residual bliss and… well. Whatever.
After a while, my reasoning pattern returned to its usual shape – more or less. The dildo, the thing from the outer world, lay next to me like a little, cheeky friend that knew it all. It knew it fucking all.
‘Now…. what…?’ The question curled between my lips like some kind of invisible thought-vapour attempting to become a real concept.
Later, I was washed and dressed, eating cup noodles like I was eating knowledge. I’d never felt so strong before – like I could punch a brick wall and it’d break instantly. Neat. This was oddly, awesomely fucking sound.
I wanted Ethan.
The notion came to me like rain sometimes does, surprising me a bit but not too much. I’d known I was attracted to him, obviously. A big duh there. But no, this was a different thing. I wanted him… for myself.
But dating…. Dating…
Could I do that? Be the boyfriend of a boyfriend? Maybe if I set the rules and put it on the table that I was the dominatrix thingy. Like, ‘Please don’t open the doors for me or I will fucking kill you bro. Destroy your teeth.’
I messaged Ethan on WhatsApp, ‘Would you be up for going out with me tomorrow night?’
He took a while to answer, ‘It depends.’
‘Actually what I mean is, what do u have in mind?’
‘Hanging out, going for a drink?
‘Yeah but like as friends?’
I sighed, ‘No dude’
‘This guy’s a numpty or wha?’ I muttered. ‘Yeah obviously’
The word “typing” appeared and disappeared on my phone screen. Holy fucking hell, what was the problem?
The answer to my question flicked to view, ‘I’m not sure u really mean what u mean.’
‘Like u want to hook up and use the date as an excuse’
‘No I ain’t’
‘You mean u like me?’
‘Course I do man’
My phone rang and it was Ethan calling. I stared at the screen with his name on it for a couple of seconds and, heart racing like mad, I answered, ‘Yello.’
His warm, deep voice made me all sloshy and my cheeks heated, ‘Say what?’
‘That you like me.’
‘If I didn’t like you I wouldn’t be asking you out, you know.’
‘You want to get to know me.’
Silence. Then, ‘Alright. I’ll go out with you but on one condition.’
‘No sexual stuff.’
My soul yawled, ‘For… for how long?’
‘For this one date for sure.’
Take a deep breath, Nate. ‘Fine. I have a condition too.’
‘Don’t open the doors for me. And I pay for my shit.’
Ethan laughed, ‘Yeah, I figured it’d be like that with you.’
‘I think if I opened a single door for you, you’d kill me.’
I broke into a grin, ‘I would.’