TIGERS DON'T CRY - Chapter Thirteen
In the harsh environment of a British pub kitchen, young Nate will have to come to terms with his growing attraction for one of his male colleagues.
TRIGGER WARNING - Strong and sexual language. Explicit sexual content.
For those curious to read from the start:
Why me?
Cam had two sons and a daughter, as well as a wife. Even though she was leaving him, surely she would have been a better last person to reach than me. The final words he put together in this world had been sent to my phone – to warn me, to apologise, to encourage.
‘Part of him must have known he was going to die and he wanted to reach out. He felt guilty for what happened to you,’ Ethan said.
He stroked my scalp slowly, combing my hair with his fingers, petting me. His touch had the power to soothe and make the shadows slip away.
‘It was just a cut.’
‘It’s more than that,’ he said softly. ‘I haven't been working in the kitchen long but all the time I've been there, when I or another one of the guys made a mistake he waved us off, you know. With you, he was an utter cock. Always overreacting, like.’
I knew it was true. Cam and I never had a particularly good relationship. I didn’t hate him as such but I could definitely live without him – that’s what I’d always thought.
I was cocooned under the samurai duvet, close to the warm, solid body of a person who wanted me near. I didn’t know why he did, no matter how many explanations Ethan gave.
He held, touched and kissed me. I needed it so bad I felt like crying.
‘This,’ I said. ‘Being near you. It’s a bit scary, like.’
‘Why?’
‘Because…’ a lump in my throat made my voice strain, ‘…it feels good. This stuff doesn’t last long a lot of the time, innit? And what if I get used to it?’
Ethan exhaled slowly, his hot breath brushing my cheek. ‘What if you get used to it?’
‘If this doesn’t work, it won’t happen again. To me.’
‘What, to see a guy?’
I hugged his waist and pressed my face on his chest. I didn’t want him to see my expression. ‘To be held like this, like.’
‘Why not?’ Ethan stroked the soft skin next to my ear, lulling me gently.
I said in a choked whisper, ‘I'm forgettable.’
‘Why would you say that, babes? Look at me.’ He cupped my face and brought my gaze to his. That dark blue scoured deep into my soul. ‘Why would you say that?’
It must have been the Cam thing that made me like this. I was in shock. This guy who’d always lived at the edge of my existence, a loud voice in the background, had put a weight on my shoulders. He forced me to face the fact that I wasn’t happy.
I realised I was crying when a tear pooled by my nostril. Lowering my gaze, I stared down at the shadow made of our bodies touching under the blanket.
‘Babes, not only you’re not forgettable. You’re sweet and beautiful and smart. Look at me.’
I did.
‘You’re not forgettable. Who made you think that?’
‘Everyone. Everything, all the time.’
‘You’re wrong. You’re not forgettable to me.’
‘You don’t know yet.’
Ethan kissed me slowly, deeply. He hugged me beyond the body.
‘Oh babes, why do you think so little of yourself?’
‘I don’t know.’
He rocked me a bit like I was a baby and this time, this once, I let it happen without protest. I could be his babes, couldn’t I? I lacked the strength to fight it. A peaceful feeling streamed over me like curtains of warm water.
‘I feel a bit small now.’
‘Why?’ He sounded sad.
‘Not in a bad way,’ I said. ‘I try to be big all the time. I really do. Bigger than what I am. But maybe I’m not big. I’m not like that. Maybe I’m small but that’s OK, like. When you get back to your real size it kinda hurts.’
‘I wouldn’t say you’re small. Physically, maybe, but everything else… you’re a force of nature.’ Ethan chuckled.
I snorted. ‘Thanks.’
We had a bath together and, as he gently pecked my shoulder while half-submerged in the steaming water, I told him about Oscar’s offer to take me as an apprentice.
‘I’m not surprised she did, after seeing your drawings.’
‘Do you think it could work? Having me around in the studio.’
‘I don’t see why not.’
I shrugged. ‘What if we break up? Wouldn’t it be awkward having me around?’
‘You keep worrying about us breaking up. Do you… want to break up?’
I shook my head resolutely. ‘No.’
Ethan laughed and put his arms around me. ‘Good.’
‘Would you teach me? All the techniques, you know. How to use the tattoo gun and all that.’
‘Obviously.’
When we had sex that afternoon, it was tender. Ethan fucked me, yes, but he was slow with his movements, though his thrusts reached deep. Sometimes he’d take it easy and dance in and out of me, hovering over my body and giving me long kisses. I threw my arms around his shoulders and twined my legs around his waist, my tongue with his. It was sex as much as it was a prolonged hug.
The evening came and we lay in bed, talking about everything and nothing. We listened to music, watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and lounged about, ate junk food and cwtched.
This thing between us was… new. Surprising, like. I kept turning to look at him to make sense of my reality. Ethan smiled, popped a kiss on my lips and asked, ‘What’s up?’
He had his arm around my shoulders and, with his fingers, he stroked wherever there was naked skin.
I looked at him. ‘Are you my boyfriend, like?’
He snorted and bowed his head, smiling in embarrassment. ‘If you want me to be.’
Oh. Oh damn.
I touched his face and brushed my fingers through his short beard. ‘Yeah, alright.’
He laughed. ‘Alright? Sounds like you’re really making do!’
My cheeks heated. ‘No, I’m not making do. You’re awesome.’
‘Awww Nate!’ He almost strangled me with his hug and assaulted me with kisses. ‘Why do you have to be so cute? Why?’
I put a hand on his face and pushed. ‘Yeah, alright! Unglue a minute!’
He kept on grinning. ‘Aw, you’re embarrassed.’
‘I ain’t!’
‘Then why won’t you kiss me properly? Mhh?’
‘‘Cause you’re overexcited.’
‘‘Course I am.’
I didn’t have a good excuse not to let him in, to stop him from slipping his hands under my clothes and pulling down the shorts he’d lent me. My butt was sore and I said I couldn’t have sex again for a bit. He didn’t bat an eye but simply went down on me and sucked me off slowly. It was like submerging in a hot spring, with his warm arms around my hips and his mouth and tongue going over every sensitive part, as if he knew my body inside out, better than I did. He didn’t want me to reciprocate. He just tucked me close to his chest and slept for a while. I dozed off too. The night crept up on us and my brother texted.
‘U coming back home tonight?’
‘God, he really is like a dad,’ I said, chuckling.
Ethan glanced at Louis’s text and said groggily, ‘Why don’t you sleep over?’
‘You sure?
‘Yeah, babes. I want you to stay.’ His eyes shone in the weak light my phone screen brought to the room.
I sent my bro a reply,
‘No, I’m staying over with my bf’
Ethan read the words and smiled. ‘I’m so happy.’
What was supposed to be one night became the rest of the week. I went home a couple times to get some clean clothes, comfy stuff I could wear at Ethan’s and even stuffed my drawing tools and paper in my bag to keep myself busy while waiting for him to come back from work. I crossed paths with Louis and he grinned at me from the sofa. He was laying flat there, pointing the remote at the telly and flicking through the channels.
‘You’re already moving in with him? That was fast!’
I blushed. ‘No, like. I’m off, so I thought…’
‘…that spending your free time snuggling with your boyfriend is better than being at home with your old bro? Sounds reasonable to me.’
I grinned back at him, but sulked as soon as I resolved to say the thing I’d been meaning to once we were face to face.
‘Something bad happened, like.’
Louis’ eyes widened. ‘What?’
I told him about Cam and how he died suddenly, of his call and the message he’d sent me. I even showed it to him.
‘Oh mun, this is messed up,’ he said gravely.
‘Yeah. Of all people to contact before he went…’
‘Don’t let it get to you.’
It was easier said than done. Monday I was going to get back to work and I dreaded the moment I’d have to adjust to the sudden loss of Cam more closely.
Sunday morning Ethan woke me with open-mouthed kisses on my neck and under my jaw. A bluish light spilled through the gap between the blackout curtains in his room. He moved over me, hard cock rubbing against my hip.
I’d learnt by now that Ethan was very frisky in the early hours of the day. When I was just about stumbling out of the dream world, he fucked the hardest. Admittedly, it was like stepping from an awesome dream to another. My orgasms with him inside me were the absolute best.
As time went on, sex was becoming easier. I guess we got at it so often that the body could do little but adapt. Preparation was always needed but it really didn’t take long before I was ready and pleading for his cock. Ethan was neither huge nor small – his dick was perfect, like it was tailored for me.
I sat on his lap and rode him languidly, my eyes still heavy with sleep. ‘So good.’
Ethan lifted me and thrust harder and faster. My being light and puny came in handy at times like this. As usual, sounds rolled out of my lips and Ethan shut me up with a bruising kiss. After the deed, we lay back in bed, grinning like tits.
‘Want a coffee, babes?’
‘Oh mun, that’d be awesome, like.’
He stamped a kiss on my mouth. ‘I’ll bring it up. Won’t be a sec.’
Ethan put on some boxers and scuttled out. For a couple of minutes I stayed in bed, thinking about the awesomeness of us together. He was amazing at sex and real nice, but also so much more. We were mates as well as boyfriends and I loved that. We got along super well and he hugged me aaaaall the time.
I smirked to myself. This is proper lush.
A full bladder and my strange compulsion of brushing my teeth before drinking coffee pushed me out of bed. I put on my shorts and, as I approached the door, I overheard Ethan’s voice.
‘OK, so—’
‘I knew you weren’t going to hold up.’ The guy laughed.
‘It’s fine, though. We got together, like.’
‘Oh, please. You’ve given in. Totally.’
I recognised the other person. It was Manny. I stood, immobile, my fingers gripping the door handle.
‘I really like him.’
‘Yeah, I know. That’s not difficult to guess. The guy’s volatile, though. You already know it. He fucked off and ignored you for a week so you could have at least given it a bit more time, have him work for it. You’ve jumped back in bed with him straight away. Seriously, you don’t learn from your mistakes.’
‘It’s not… it’s fine, like.’
‘If things go tits up don’t come crying to me though.’
What a fuckin’ dick! I opened the door with a swift move and narrowed my eyes, hoping my scowl would burn the fucker.
Manny stood on the landing, wearing a military-green tee and jogs and Ethan, nearby, was holding our cups of coffee. They both looked at me, surprise painted all over their faces.
To think he’d been so nice to me when we met in Primark. What a two-faced twat-head!
‘Mate!’ I barked. ‘Mind your fuckin’ business!’
Manny sighed and glanced at Ethan in a pitiful way that deserved a right chin punch. He walked away, back to his dark cave or wherever the fuck he went.
Ethan slipped inside his room and I followed, closing the door behind me.
He handed me the coffee mug but I didn't take it. ‘What was that about?’
‘I told you,’ he said apologetically. ‘He’s worried about me. I’ve gone through quite a lot of bad breakups since… like…’
‘Since what?’ I took the mug from him this time.
‘So, this is going to sound weird but I was engaged when I was eighteen.’
‘I know.’
He frowned. ‘You know?’
‘My bro told me. It’s cool, I don’t judge.’
Ethan looked at me with wide eyes. ‘I guess your brother would have met Manny when he came to the studio, two years ago…’
‘Wait, what?’ I splashed a little bit of coffee on the carpet when I jerked in surprise.
‘So, like.’ Ethan scratched his head. ‘Best if I get it all out now. Manny and I were together before. We’d known each other for years and we started dating when we were fourteen. We were really mostly friends but, you know, one thing led to another. We were only kids and we didn’t know anybody else like us.’
‘Like you?’
‘Queer, like. We got engaged when I was seventeen and he was sixteen. We lasted just over four years…’
‘Wha?’
‘Yeah.’ Ethan smiled. ‘Towards the end, things were getting a little tight for me and I asked him if we could have an open relationship. We were so young, you know, but Manny was going through a hard time. His mental health was getting real bad due to his dysphoria. He went on transitioning and, I don't know… things fizzled out. I was up for staying together because I didn’t care if he was a guy or a girl but I guess Manny wanted time to sort himself out without a boyfriend like me around.’
My bladder was about to explode as well as my brain.
‘Ethan grimaced. ‘Shit, sorry. I just threw it all at you.’
I shook my head. ‘So you’re just friends now.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Cool.’
He gaped. ‘Really?’
‘Yeah. Only, he’s a right dick. He’s setting it all up for failure in your head! That’s not right.’
Ethan’s expression darkened. ‘That’s because I always fuck things up with my dates.’
‘And why is that?’
He was taken by surprise by my question and thought about it for a moment before answering. ‘Because I rush things. And I get attached too fast.’
I shrugged. ‘I’m fine with both things, mun. Plus, we can’t avoid being fast, like. We’re both too horny to do the “wait-until-marriage” thing.’
Ethan laughed. ‘You’re incredible.’
I nodded. ‘And I'm desperate for a piss. I’m gonna pop to the loo.’ I handed him back my mug and put a hand on his neck to bring him down for a kiss. ‘Look after my coffee while I'm gone!’
When I got back, Ethan came to me and hugged me. ‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For not making a huge deal out of this. Many of the people I was seeing freaked out when they found out I was living with my ex-fiancé.’
There was a little kernel, a small thing pricking inside my chest. It wasn’t jealousy, no. Fear? I couldn’t be sure. It was obvious that Ethan kept Manny in high regard and, to be fair, I had acted like a twat even though I didn’t mean it. If a girl did stuff like that to my brother, being all vague and reticent and shit, I would have been saying the same thing to him. Watch out.
Suddenly, I had a new resolve. I was going to be a proper boyfriend, a very good one, like. I’d prove to Manny and to myself that, for sure, I wasn’t going to make Ethan cry.
But life goes as it goes, slipping like a treacherous bastard as sand through fingers. I didn’t know myself as much as I liked to think.
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